The Worst of Both Worlds
This was written at a low point in my life back in the year 2000.)
It appears to me that I now have the worst of both worlds.
Why is that so?
Well, you've no doubt heard the expression "the best of both worlds". For me, the impression seems to be exactly the opposite. I am what is referred to, in current terminology, as "transgender gifted" or just plain "trans", and in my present situation I am in two worlds; the trans world and the "straight", sometimes referred to as the "cis", world.
I was assigned male at birth, and at the age of sixty-five, physically, I still present as such. I enjoy my "maleness", and have never really thought seriously about giving it up. Yes, I enjoy being a man. I enjoy manly pursuits; among them the pursuit of a sexually desirable woman. As a man I enjoy sex, heterosexual sex. That is, I would enjoy sex, as a man, given the opportunity. Certainly, as a young man I did. Such is no longer the case. Somewhere along the line things got terribly twisted.
Ever since I can remember I have been a rather 'horny' sort of guy. I really like sex. Not all versions of it mind you, but certainly a broad spectrum of it. To be sure, I've always been a bit shy about it, but then, I've never had a partner who was able to pull me across that invisible barrier of self-consciousness that stood between me and that glorious land of sexual actualization. And I am sure that my life partner of over forty years feels the same way.
So at home I am not free to pursue life, even part time, as a woman. My dear wife does not want to meet Samantha, and she says that I had better get used to that. She does not want to see me "dressed". She is uncomfortable even talking about transgender issues, and she doesn't want a lot of information about the subject.
Worse, I am no longer taken to be a "whole man". So how is being transgender a gift?