Epiphany


It transpired, one day back in the early 1980's, that I was on my way to my brother's place, some three hundred and fifty miles from home, to visit with him and his wife. While there we were going to do some specific work on his computer as well as test out a software program I had written which needed some debugging. I decided to take along some of my female clothing to wear en route; white nylon Dici bra and falsies, beige stockings and white nylon garter belt, white nylon mini-slip trimmed in lace, a black nylon pleated mini skirt with a three inch wide belt to cinch in my waist, plain white sleeveless cotton top, black patent high heeled shoes, imitation pearl necklace and teardrop earrings. Safely out of town I headed down a deserted country road and found a spot where I could change in the car. However final adjustments had to be made standing up, which meant outside. Stepping onto the roadway I had an unexpectedly sudden feeling of absolute freedom. It was like a re-birth. It was not a sexual feeling. Far from it. It was like ... well, it was like I was meant to be this way... a woman! It was a revelation. It took my breath away. I wanted to run, jump, shout. Free... free... free at last!!!

I had just met Samantha!!!

Free at last!

I wanted to run, jump, shout. I was free at last!

Reason prevailed, though, and getting back in the car I continued on my way, changing back to my male clothing near my destination.

That epiphany troubled me for a very long time. After all, I was a man, and a very successful one at that. I really didn't want to be a woman, at least not all the time. Yet I had these very strong, undeniable urges to dress as a woman and to be out in society at large as one. The inner turmoil that this created was unbelievable.

At one point I participated in a simple test to determine my thinking patterns. The results were surprising at first, but upon close examination they should have been expected. My right and left brain seem to be in balance, as was the front and rear. These results are the norm for the female brain. But yet I am a man. Further, I felt that I could never truly be a woman, and the thoughts of such things as hormone therapy and sexual reassignment surgery seem absolutely abhorrent.

In an effort to understand what was going on within I turned to the Internet, searching for sites dealing with transgender issues. Sure there were a lot of porno sites using the theme as a search engine trap, but in amongst all the dirt there shone a few jewels.

The first site I found which offered some discussion of the issues and problems concerning transgenderism was hosted by Dr. Ruth Judd, an eminent American psychologist whose husband is transgender. One of the many books she has written on the subject is entitled, "My Husband Wears My Clothes". It did not take very long to track down a source for that book, and I ordered a copy. Its reading was an eye-opener to me, and through her web site I found a whole slew of sites dealing with the issue. I began to realize that I was not alone, not a pervert and not some sort of freak. The 'problem' is, indeed, very common. I gave the book to my wife, in the hopes that it might help her to an understanding of transgenderism and cross-dressing, and to this day, over two years later, she still hasn't read it. She says that it seems to "slip her mind", probably because it is not the sort of reading which interests her.

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